Genetically Modified Crops in Belvidere.....

(A dramatization to illustrate the health concerns of genetically modified crops. This really isn't Death, it is a man in a Death suit. But Death could really be there, or anywhere, because he is invisible.)

Every week I get letters from townsfolk with concerns about goings on here in Belvidere. Just yesterday I received a letter from Flippy Martinez, who is the son of Quiznos Martinez who owns the Subway down on Avenue D. Mr. Martinez, a Sandwich Artist at his father's store, is concerned about a new product available here in town.

"Dear Dr. Jenkins,

I was just at Grandma's and noticed that some of the products contain genetically modified corn. I heard that genetically modified corn contains animal genes and that the Bible says that genetically modifying corn is a sin. Should I burn the town down or just Grandma's.

Sincerely,
Flippy Martinez"

First off, I'm not a doctor although I have been offered an honorary degree from the Belvidere Technical and Cow Related Science Institute. Second, what a great question Flippy. I've often thought about the potential health concerns related to eating genetically modified, or GM, crops. So as usual I turned to a trusted source of information on this topic, the intranet.

One trusted source on the environment, and the scientific ramifications of fiddling around with it, is Greenpeace. Greenpeace has been protecting the environment without an agenda for years and reading their article on GM crops was very revealing. My search then led me to Dr. Mercola's website, another bastian of integrity, science, and consumer advocacy. There I found some mind blowing revelations about GM crops, their hidden dangers, and the conspiracy to sneak them into the food supply. I then spent several more hours scouring the intranet for trustworthy information on GM crops from sources such as Pat Robertson, Deepak Chopra, and the Committee for the Scientific Advancement of Removing Science From Public Schools(CSARSFPS) headed by Michael Behe and Phillip Johnson. I'll condense everything you need to know into 5 easy to remember points Flippy:

1. Genetical Modification occurs when scientists create new forms of life in a laboratory. These are plants, insects, and animals that have never existed and have no natural ecosystem in which to exist. This blatantly ignores Newton's 2nd Law of Thermodynamics and thus the Bible so to answer your question, yes Flippy it is a sin. But don't burn down the town or Grandma's. Instead write a letter to your Congressman.

2. Genetically modified crops specifically are plants into which scientists have inserted new genes that have been taken from animals. For example, a potato that can survive in colder weather can be made by inserting a gene from a cold water fish. Unfortunately it is difficult to control for things like scales forming on the potato or the potato having a strong fishy odor. Most scientists are concerned that the same thing might happen to people after ingestion of these potatoes.

3. Genetically modified crops are known to be more aggressive than the God created variety. This means that when GM crops are released into the environment they could spread out of control. This could mean the destruction of all non-GM crops. We may soon live in a world where starving children in Africa won't even have the option to choose between natural and GM crops.

4. Genetically modified crops are often designed to be more hardy and resistent to destruction by insects that easily destroy natural varieties. This might seem like a good thing but what about when we need to destroy the GM crops because they are taking over all of our available land. Scientists will be forced to create genetically modified insects that can eat the genetically modified crops. But who will be able to defeat the insects.

5. It is already a medically accepted fact that GM crops lead to a variety of health problems: chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic lyme disease, Wilson's thyroid syndrome, toxic mold, fibromyalgia, subluxations, stagnant Chi, Morgellon's disease, Candida hypersensitivity, neuralgia-inducing cavitational osteonecrosis, and many more.

I hope that this anwers all of your question Flippy.

Sincerely,
Spooner Jenkins

Town Supports Dr. Grimes.....

(Come on in to Tug's and bring the kids!)

First off I'd like to thank everyone who wrote in to support Dr. Grimes and his letter to the town. It seems that some people out there, namely one Dr. Clark Bartram, don't agree with what our town doc has to say. But you can't argue with popularity and around these parts Chiropractic is king. How else can you explain how nobody has gotten the Mumps yet or why the death rate in Belvidere is as close to the national average as it is. If Deek Newton hadn't gotten caught in that wheat thresher last week we'd have been on pace but you can't blame that one on Dr. Grimes can you Dr. Bartram.

I'm going to share the responses from the citizens of Belvidere that were dropped off at the Mayor's Office by the town letter carrier, and part time salesman at Tug's John Deere Outlet, Norris Pearle. But first, if your old tractor isn't pulling its weight around the corn fields anymore, why not head on over to Tug's John Deere Outlet. They sell'em ugly, but they sell'em good. And if you buy a tractor this month, tell old Tug that the Mayor sent you and your kid gets his very own slightly used and minimally soiled John Deere Jr. for an additional 10% off and no interest for 6 months. Tug sure is crazy about saving you money. He is also crazy, which is why his beautiful wife Willomina is running the shop these days.

"Dear Mayor Jenkins,

I'd like to say that I think Dr. Grimes has done an excellent job caring for the citizens of Belvidere. I can't remember the last time we had a case of Infantile Canine Distemper here in town. And if I get an adjustment at the start of a cold or a headache, it gets better everytime and never turns into Phlemongitis or Brain Fever. If it were up to me, Dr. Grimes would get a raise."

Sincerely,

Frank G."

"Dear Your Honor,

Dr. Grimes is the best. He cured my subluxation in one visit but warned me that it might return if I don't come to see him every Thursday until I don't want to be healthy anymore. Who wouldn't want to be healthy. Not me. He also warned me that the fancy MRI I got in Lincoln wouldn't show any subluxations because the technology isn't sensitive enough. Only his special Thermodermatographoscope Subluxation Station, the only Thermodermatographoscope endorsed by the World Chiropractic Alliance and the Nebraska Practice Builders Association, can find them. You can't argue with science!

Yours Truly,

F. Grimes"

"Dear Mr. Mayor,

Did you know about the specials we are having this month at Tug's John Deere Outlet? Every kid gets their very own slightly used and minimally soiled John Deere Jr. if their father buys a tractor. I don't believe in chiropractors. They only focuse on the spine. My weekly colonic gets rid of all the toxins in my gut and that keeps me fit as a fiddle. It also keeps me from doing what the voices tell me to do. And I'll throw in a doll for the girls!

Best,

Tug"

(Buy a tractor this month and get a new doll for your little princess!)

Sincerely,
Spooner Jenkins